I would like anyone's thoughts on these occurrences I am about to explain. But first... I am 32 years old, raised under certain organized religious ideals of which I questioned when I was five years old and completely disbelieved by the time I was 20. I spent my twenties finding a way to feel comfortable with the idea that there is no afterlife (and that a god/best friend/companion/guardian that I spoke to everyday did not exist and never had) and feeding my ego with social triumphs and career/work goals. About six months ago my husband began subscribing to these new ideas that I thought were completely impractical, to say the LEAST, but I started to bite, and I can't even BELIEVE that I, myself, am finding it hard to deny the new beliefs that are entering my mind.
That being said, I now look back on some strange events much differently. I used to call them "spells". I experienced my first "spells" when I was in fourth grade. I remember telling a friend at a nearby desk that something funny was happening to me, or I felt weird, and that everything that was happening felt like it had happened already and in my peripheral vision were scenes of a different place that I couldn't put my finger on (all this described in fourth- grader lingo). These "spells" happened to me at least 50 times, maybe a hundred during the course of the next 20 years.
As a young adult, I found them very uncomfortable and intrusive. My stomach would turn, especially if I tried to dismiss an oncoming "attack" and I would feel very uncomfortable, like a feeling of being someplace one should not be - like in the arms of a stranger - but the "spell" did not start out this way. I would first recognize familiarity in my surroundings that would peek my interest, and my brain would begin to scramble for a reference - like when you see an actor and try to figure what other movie you've seen them in and you can't focus on the current show until you figure it out - and I would search for a memory, a memory of the present and after about 10 or 20 seconds these feelings would become more clear as the possibility of pinpointing where they came from become more vague, at the same time, my peripheral vision would activate hazy unfocused scenes of always some repetitious, assembly line, looping act - people doing the same thing over and over but I can never figure out what - there's a metallic taste to it and this f-ing musical tune that plays over and over... These things, these "spells" or "attacks" on my brain, as I would see them, could last a minute or two and there was nothing I could do to hurry them along or get over it or get past it, as much as I wanted to. The more I tried to ignore them when they happened, the harder they hit so that they actually debilitated me. For example, if I was at work, I would have to excuse myself from the counter (where I was assembling sandwiches for a customer) and go to the back room. If I was working on wiring (as an electrician) I would have to stop what I was doing until I could think clearly again. The onset, and ending of these "spells" were as distinct as night is from day.
When I was a young adult I sought professional treatment for these episodes, attributing them to some sort of short circuit in my brain. The "professionals" never diagnosed me but thought perhaps I was experiencing migraines "with an aura". I don't think so. As I said, they began when I was 8 years old, peaked in frequency when I was in my teens, and have happened less frequently ever since.
No one I have ever shared this with has ever offered any insight what so ever or has heard anything like it. I'm not on any medication, and I don't regularly use any substance...FYI.
What do you think?
Thank you for your time.